The Battle of the Sexes

Announcer: And now, stepping into the ring, weighing in at 175 pounds of pure muscle, chugging abilities, and straight irresistible rainforest Axe smells, isssssss: The Alpha Male.

It is quite the sight. At first glance, it is easy to be distracted with the simplicity of his character; his clothes barely match, but it works, his facial hair is at the perfect “scruff” texture, and his attitude airs just the right amount of confidence.

From the left corner, weighing in at…(yeah right, like I would dare make up a number), strutting her matching Victoria Secret work out outfit, sending millions of “mixed signals”, and smelling like every delicious smell you have ever come across, isssss: The Alpha Lady.

Now, she is mesmerizing. Stare at her for too long, and you might forget anything else you were doing. She radiates class, and poised intelligence that draws attention from any room. Her nails match her shirt, which matches her earrings, which match the glittery eye shadow on her face, and though men can’t register every detail, they know it works.

This may just be the battle of the millennium; the grand battle of understanding the inner workings of the opposite sex. Let us begin.

ROUND 1

Perhaps one of the most intriguing dilemmas that men have encountered through the years is women. I have pretty much heard every angle of the issue. I have sat in rooms full of boys in which we, the ladies, have been accused of being confusing, dramatic, complex, too talkative, loud, and hard to shop for. Now, I can’t exactly rebuttal all these accusations but I can try to help solve some of the mystery. Here are a few rules to live by boys:

  1. Do not creepily approach girls on the dance floor without their signal. (Chances are, all her friends are going swarm her to get rid of you….awkward).
  2. Don’t be fooled; when a chick says “No, I really don’t mind”, there is a strong possibility that she is lying. It might be worth exploring before you cancel on her to go hang out with the boys.
  3. There is plenty of fish in the sea. That’s why if you like a lady, make sure you reel her in. We do enough of the “mixed signal” thing; we don’t need confusion from you too. Make the first move! A random act of kindness always does the trick.
  4. Drama? Depending on the girl, this might be inevitable. You don’t want to be the asshole that half listens while the game is on, so think of this part as your little sacrifice for the opposite sex. Don’t worry, I am sure your reward will come soon enough.
  5. Confidence > Cockiness. If you are as great as you say, we’ll notice

ROUND 2

Don’t be fooled, men are not as simple as they claim to be either. I have had my share of boy interactions, and let me tell you, they are a strange species; they scream at the TV, repeat outfits weekly, live by the “bro-code”, and produce some of the grossest sounds and smells I have EVER encountered. Hey, don’t get me wrong, some of these things are endearing but there are a few rules that all chicks should keep in mind:

  1. Sports. Probably one of (at least 90%) men’s favorite pastime. Whether it’s playing or watching, our boys thrive on this. Interiorize yourself with one of his favorite sports; letting him teach you a little about his world might make him more open to learning more about yours ( like the casual “The Notebook” movie night…hint hint)
  2. Don’t put it all on the table. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is one of the most common mistakes we commit. Not only do we get cornered into this vulnerable position, but we leave no room for a little mystery. If there is dirt, he’ll keep digging for more.
  3. Minimize the drama! Yeah, you should vent to your man, but remember that their attention span can only last so long. Give him the Spark Notes on the juicy girl fight, not the play-by-play.
  4. We know what we like; flowers, chocolates, massages, surprise coffees at work, and treats when we least expect it. Sometimes girls get too caught up in noticing what their boys aren’t doing, forgetting that they have to be trained. Now, don’t take this the wrong way boys, but it’s true. Try the reverse for a change; surprise him at work with his favorite slurpie, or show up in your sexiest attire. Men see, men do.
  5. Be a bro. All dudes want is a girl that can hang with the boys and blend in. I’ve recently picked up the “bro dap”, bringing me one step closer to achieving this rule. Besides, these get togethers can be some of the best learning experiences when it comes to men (disclaimer: you may find out things you also don’t want to know).

ROUND 3

Announcer: She’s got him cornered with her good looks and impressive flexibility. He tries to avoid the punch, but it is too late, he’s been knocked to the ground. As she takes a second to celebrate her victory, she loses focus of her opponent for long enough to get tripped down with him. Together they lay in the carpet of her parent’s basement,laughing, attempting to catch their breath after the never ending rough housing.

‘She can put up a fight’, he thinks to himself as he turns over to kiss her forehead. She rolls over on top of him, sweating but looking oh-so-irresistible. He can’t help himself,

“Fine, you win”.

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